I prone to think a lot; in the past, even now. I often think that many problems occurs/arise mainly because of me. When I came to realise, everything was too late. A question to myself, which by I know by searching the internet, I could never ever find the answer.
Why am I born such a character.
Changing numerous of schools since young, I do not have "friends" that really last. Perhaps I'm was young and unaware of the consequences, I was quite open to stuffs and pretty daring. I endure EM3, and realise though they are scary on surface, they're just like every humans. In fact, though they're academically weak, they're much superior in terms of character. They are loyal to each other, daring, friendly and fun to be with. Actually, they want people to feel fearful of them.
Perhaps because I has limited friends, when I first reach Secondary School, I remember I actually took the initative to make friend. Somehow, eventually I took everything into granted. I'm stubborn and was persistant towards the things I want.
Perhaps everyone grew way ahead of me, they're always giving in to me,
no matter what. And there's me, making use of the advantages and getting more and more overboard.
Like a innocent child I seems to them, but like a Devil's it seems now.
I like attention even though I don't like to stand out. In class, I don't like to take solo initative such as volunteering because I thought I cannot achieve anything on my friends. I know I'd rely too much on them and I need to learn to be more independent. But anyway, why should I embarrass myself when I lack both talent and strength? The silly fact that when they managed to achieve my desires, it make me feels jealous and useless. Because of my jealously, I backstabs and I goes around bitching like a woman about them, causing my surrounding friends to dislike them, anti them too.
When I was in Secondary 2, somebody told me about how a blog should work when I was in Secondary 2. He said, "Blogs are about something worth mentioning, worth keeping it. Not blogging about ah, today went to shit blah blah blah.." Still, I owed a couples of blog which I maintain that way.
So now, I'm typing all these because I'm reflecting. And yes, the definition of blog is:
A personal diary.Yes, weak as I seem. I always thought I'm inferior to others. Low self-esteem, lack of confidence.. I'm always putting on an invulnerable front.
I used to be so full of myself in Primary School. Now, where is the "old" me. Many said, humans changes due to the environment. Has I change because my friends are all giving in to me?
So why are they giving in to me? Cause I'm like a brother to them? Or are they trying to gain some advantages through me?
Maybe, perhaps it is. I had dominate their will. I made them lost their will and make them have the same foes with me. Because I felt insecure, I made this selfishly mind. Yet there's no one out there to stop me. Why am I always this selfish, insecure, childish?
How more honest can I be? Where is all those strong bonds? Where is all those promises we've made?
Bit by bit, the things I destruct is more than what I could have imagine. Who am I? Just another troublemaker that bound to go to hell?
I'm getting back what I used to give. Karma that is.
I don't want to hover along the past track. God, give me the power I desire.
Pardon me.
